Julie and Garry's Story

“Julie and I first met in 2011 when I was 53 and she was 57. We had a lot in common: I’m a father to three daughters and she had three children too, two daughters and a son. We both loved travelling, visiting Italy and Crete together, and we enjoyed going to the theatre and the opera. 

I retired in April 2019 and we got married that September, spending our honeymoon on a cruise in the Canary Islands. 

In January 2020, Julie noticed blood in her urine. She went to Broomfield Hospital for tests which confirmed that she had cancer. The tumour was quickly removed and her consultant seemed pleased with how it went. We clung to the thought that ‘hope is coming’. We went back in August to be told that, although the procedure in itself was successful, the cancer had become metastatic and had spread. She underwent an intensive course of chemotherapy for a year and, again, we hoped for a positive outcome. 

When it became clear that this treatment would no longer work, my wife chose to come off of the chemotherapy and live her last months at home, so the consultant put us in contact with Farleigh Hospice. Farleigh supported us with weekly phone calls and practical support, including help to get a blue badge so we could use disabled parking. 

We received wonderful support from the Farleigh palliative care team. They visited us once or twice a week to care for Julie at home, making sure she was comfortable and had the correct medication. She enjoyed their company and I had someone that I could talk to. Julie passed away in February 2022. She was able to die at home with dignity, as was her express wish, thanks to the support we received from Farleigh. 

Naturally, I felt a huge sense of grief and was left searching for answers and reasons. I felt guilt, anger, shame and a loss of self-confidence and the word ‘hope’ suddenly seemed empty. Looking back, I can see that I was at serious risk of depression. 

When Farleigh phoned me one day to offer me bereavement counselling, I was only too pleased to accept. I think men are generally reluctant to seek advice and support so problems and worries get bottled up which makes things worse, so this was a crucial decision and a turning point in my life. 

I had eight weekly one-to-one counselling sessions from the Farleigh Circle adult bereavement service between June and August 2022. From the very first session, the bereavement counselling started to help me. It allowed me to explore my pain and talk through my questions about death. Under my counsellor’s careful guidance, I felt empowered and permitted to express my feelings for the first time, which brought me a sense of relief straight away.

As my anxiety and other negative, corrosive emotions started to lift, I was in a much better place. The counselling helped me to start living in the present day. I realised that time is short so it is important to make the most of the life we have left. In the autumn, I began group bereavement therapy with other people in a similar situation to me. After three sessions, I felt ready to move on and start rebuilding my life. 

I now volunteer for two days each week with the Gardening Club at Farleigh’s hospice building in Chelmsford. I find it calming and distracting. Being part of a team and feeling the warmth of company and sense of community, it’s like a second family. Seeing the patients enjoying the gardens has been of huge benefit to me and it feels like a natural extension to the counselling. I’ve also joined an art class and started to paint. 

It was Julie’s wish that I move forward with my life after her passing and I am creating a life for myself that is bringing contentment, not always happiness. The sense of loss and grief will never leave me but it diminishes over time. I still have bad days but I am much stronger mentally and I have definitely returned to the stream of life. 

I will always be very grateful to Farleigh Hospice for the care that Julie received and the support given to me when she died. I am indebted to my counsellor and Farleigh’s Circle adult bereavement service for helping me to move forward and I now feel more optimistic about my future.”