Light up a life 2024 - Pat and Roger's story

Pat and Roger, from Braintree, first met at a local coffee bar about 55 years ago, while she was working as an examiner at Courtaulds and he was in the Royal Navy. They got married a few years later and had two sons, Brendon and Ian, followed by two grandchildren and two great-grandchildren.

Pat became a nursing auxiliary at the local hospital and then cared for people in their homes, while Roger worked in a factory and then as a gardener. He describes his wife as ‘a positive, hard-working person who never moaned about anything and had a great sense of humour’.

They had been married for just over 30 years when Pat started to have problems with her balance - she kept falling over and could not walk very far. She was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis (MS), which is a condition that affects the spinal cord and brain. It can have a wide range of symptoms including extreme tiredness; numbness and tingling; dizziness and loss of balance; muscle stiffness and spasms and also bowel and bladder problems, as well as affecting a person’s sight.

Roger said, “Pat never complained about having MS but it was hard to cope with. Some people have better days when their symptoms aren’t as bad, but she had them all of the time. After three years, she was using a wheelchair as her health slowly got worse.

Our sons, family and friends have all been very supportive. We were told that MS is not a hereditary condition that can be passed down through the family, but Pat’s father had it and so do other relatives.

I was due to retire but I would have finished work anyway so I could be there to take care of her. We moved with our dog, Marley, into a bungalow to make things easier. I didn’t know what help was available to us, so I fitted it with a wet room and a hoist myself.

We had carers that helped me to look after Pat. The first one was very good and she was with us for 13 years, becoming a friend to us both. Then we had some agency staff to help but it just wasn’t the same level of care.

Throughout the 20 years that Pat was unwell, we were only apart for one week when I broke my ribs and she had to stay in a care home while I recovered. I hated being apart from her.

By 2023, Pat was very frail and her eyesight was so poor that she could only make out colours on the television. In November, she swallowed something without chewing which went into one of her lungs and it collapsed, so she had to spend a month in hospital with pneumonia. I visited her every day.

Pat had breathing problems as the lung wasn’t working properly, and she couldn’t move which meant that she had to be nursed in bed. We were told that she would either have to go into a care home or be cared for in our home by Farleigh Hospice.

Pat wanted to stay with me and Marley so she came home from hospital on 19 December.

I didn’t know anything about the care that Farleigh Hospice provides, so I had no expectations. The charity arranged for four carers from its Hospice at Home team to visit Pat twice a day and they were brilliant! They were very professional and caring and treated her with dignity as they washed her, changed her clothes and did everything to make her clean and comfortable. They were chatty and friendly too, joking with Pat and making her laugh. I trusted them to look after her so I could leave the house if I needed to.

We also had visits from Farleigh’s occupational therapist and physiotherapist to make sure she was as comfortable as possible and Farleigh’s nurses reviewed her care so it continued to meet her needs.

Caring for someone you love is very difficult and I had been quite despondent before we were referred to Farleigh Hospice. They cared for Pat with love and she was happier now that they were looking after her. They were also very kind and helpful to me which made things easier. Farleigh’s expert advice and support was like having a heavy weight lifted from my shoulders.

Pat’s health continued to deteriorate over the next few months. Farleigh’s specialist nurses recognised the signs of end of life and kept me informed so I was prepared and knew what to expect. They were so kind.

Pat died at home on 12 April 2024, aged 73. We had been married for 53 years.

Her carers contacted me to tell me how sorry they were, which just shows how genuine they are – it’s more than just a job for them.

The hardest bit is thinking that Pat has gone and she’s never coming back. I always told her that we will meet again - I expect her to be waiting for me with a pint of my favourite beer! I know that Farleigh is still there for me, so I can contact its bereavement service if I need their support to cope with my grief.

Farleigh Hospice allowed my wife, Pat, to die with dignity – she was as happy, clean and comfortable as she could be. She was able to be at home with me and Marley, which was her dying wish, because of Farleigh’s excellent care and support and that meant the world to both of us.

If someone else is in a similar situation, I would tell them to definitely take up the offer of Farleigh Hospice’s care at home as it is so good. Everyone we met was very dedicated, professional and caring. They have specialist knowledge and experience so they can also give you advice and support which makes life much easier. You can trust Farleigh.”

Please donate to our Light Up A Life appeal so Farleigh Hospice can be there for all the other patients and families who rely on our care and bereavement support.

Services

Please join us at one of our nine candlelit Light Up A Life remembrance services being held across Chelmsford, Maldon, Braintree, Witham and surrounding villages.

All of our services are free to attend and do not require booking in advance.

For full details, visit our Light up a Life events page here